From the Mouths of Babes
by Baffled Queen
Summary: Out of the mouths of babes oft come gems. Elias learns all about the 'gems' coming from his kids. Sometimes through crippling embarrassment. Chapter 3: Logan demonstrates a talent for extremely creative swears.
1. The Best Laid Plans

Elias Walker's second son, Logan, was something of a late talker. At a little over a year, the boy's vocabulary was limited to 'Da', which was his name, 'Dee' for his older brother David, and several other simple words like 'baba', 'uppy', and 'more'. While there _were_ other words on the list, it was still a short one. Since his baby's brother was already four, and happily chatting with everyone and anyone (much to Elias' concern), it seemed Logan had decided it wasn't a necessary skill. David, at that age, had been capable of simple sentences already. With Logan, not so much. Elias worried about him sometimes, but his mother had assured him that he'd been much the same at that age. So while he wasn't wholly reassured, he saw no need to consult anyone else.

On occasion his best friend Gabe would give him grief about it, but since he was usually cuddling with the baby in question at the same time, he didn't take it seriously. However. Trying to get Logan to say new words had become something of a game between Elias' teammates, with varying success. Shockingly, Logan was not a very attentive or helpful student, at one year of age, and had a tendency to toddle off at random. Gabriel was usually the most successful, after David and Elias himself. The blond baby had seemingly taken a shine to him, and with a mischievous grin like his son had, Gabe had had no chance of resisting his unconditional love. More often then not, if his kids were trolling around the office, Logan was in his lap and his curls covered by one great hand slowly combing through his hair.

Which was, much to Elias' amusement, exactly where he was today. He ghosted up behind the pair, quiet as he could be with his boots still on, and paused. "Can you say Gabe?" Said man asked absently, still penning through his paperwork even as he balanced Elias' baby boy on one knee. "Hm? Can you? Say Gabe?" Big brown eyes stared over the other man's shoulder, peering up at him. He winked at his boy, earning himself a giggle. _That_ got his friend's attention. "What's so funny, huh?" The captain asked, poking Logan in the stomach. "Daaaaaaaa," Logan squealed, waving his hands around. "'Da'? How's it goin', Elias." Gabe rumbled without looking up from his papers, even as he wrestled Logan into one arm and held him up at an awkward angle.

"Taking the kiddos home- they need food and sleep before they turn into gremlins or something," He replied, taking Logan from the bigger man. David was already waiting down the hall, showing off his light-up shoes to Merrick no doubt. A hum answered him, and he took his leave. "Say bye-bye, Logan," Elias prompted, thoroughly expecting nothing from his giggly son. "Buh-bah!" The blond baby gurgled as he flopped against his father's chest. "Well goodbye to you, too," Gabe huffed on the tail end of a laugh as he carried Logan away. "You ready for bites, sweetness?" He asked absently, pressing a kiss to that curly head as an idea formulated and spun around his head. It was probably not a good one, the young father realized, but it would probably be funny. David trotted up to his side and he took the tiny hand offered to him, even as he thought.

With all honesty, the idea ended up being brought to life on the wings of a lazy Saturday morning with his boys about two weeks later. Elias had been pleasantly surprised with the results, since Logan rarely sat still long enough for something like his plan. A few prompts and a desperate wish for a camera at the sight of Logan's concentration did get him _some_ results. Then what the blond boy had said had processed and he had been rolling on the ground wheezing as Logan giggled uncertainly and clapped ecstatically. "I'm going to get lynched by my captain _and_ my friends 'cause of you," He crooned into the baby's face as he straightened up from his place on the floor. "Deedee how do you feel about victory pancakes?"

And here he was, Monday morning, with both boys in tow as he walked into the office. David, usually bouncing along in his light-up sneakers, was dozing one one shoulder, and Logan was clung to the other blinking owlishly. The hilarity began when Logan caught Keegan in his sights. An excited gasp was his only warning, still yet to get a second cup of coffee into his system. A croaked "I'm sorry," was all Elias got out before his baby shrieked a happy "Tea!" causing everyone in earshot to freeze. For a moment, you could have heard a pin drop. Onto the carpet. "What?" Keegan rasped, blue eyes wide. "Tea?" Logan cooed quietly, picking up on the uneasy atmosphere. When no one replied, the little boy began to tear up. Cheeks staining a miserable blotchy pink, the baby sniffled out a forlorn "Da, Da. Want Tea."

Keegan looked positively petrified, caught between responding to a name that would immediately be adopted by everyone who'd heard it for jokes and mockery, or making a baby cry. Black hair dipped momentarily before his friend steeled himself and said "Hi, Logan!" in as cheerful a voice as he could manage given the circumstances. It was a truly admirable effort, considering the fact that Merrick was turning purple. Elias felt a tiny face rub against his shirt, leaving tiny damp spots behind, before the little one threw his chubby arms out towards the freshly dubbed Tea. "Aw, _Tea_. Pick the poor baby up," He heard Merrick croon as he passed the unfortunate 'Tea' his curly-haired son. Frowning, Elias stared at Merrick. "Leelou, who's that?" The brunet asked in a saccharine voice.

Logan's head whipped around, light blond curls bouncing the smallest bit. Once more, his face lit up at the sight of his Da's coworkers. "Lick!" His son shrieked excitedly, waving his hands in Merrick's general direction. This time it was Merrick who flushed red, and Keegan laughed. In fact, the whole room went up in a roar as every man there, around fifteen, began to laugh. "Shortpants sure showed you, huh?" Someone called between wheezy chortles. After a short moment even the newly christened Lick began to shake as his usual booming laugh racked him. Elias was up in arm- knees bent, one arm wrapped about his waist as he choked on his own breath. "Oh, oh!" He shrieked when he looked up to see Logan's genuine confusion slip into giggles which turned to squealing bubbly howls of glee. The baby didn't get the joke, of course, but he knew everyone was laughing.

"Shit," Merrick huffed about seven minutes later, when the noise finally died down. " _Lick_! Not in front of the _baby_!" Keegan gasped in a faux scandalized tone, gently cupping his hands over Logan's ears. The was a long stretch of tense silence as everyone tried to keep control over themselves, which deflated like a punctured balloon when Elias' little boy giggled again. "Where does Daddy work, Logan?" Elias prompted with an air of finality, prepared to get one of the last few new words out of the way. "Goats!"

Torch inhaled sharply, and Neptune choked on the drink he was sipping to soothe his throat. "Oh my god," Grim moaned, head falling to his desk as he gasped for breath. Once more everything dissolved as everyone practically sobbed with laughter. "What the hell is going on in here?" The captain suddenly roared above the din, having appeared in the doorway. A hush fell over them all, except for Kick who was still twitching from the hiccoughs. Logan turned in place where he lay on the floor from when Keegan had sunk to the ground. Elias watched brown eyes meet each other and nearly whimpered when Logan happily shrieked "Gay!"

(Let it be known that it took several months for Kee, Melly(which eventually became Merry) and Abe to stick in Logan's mind)

* * *

So i'm not dead. It's been some time since I wrote baby Walkers though, so here you are. Please note that Logan began speaking in sentences about a week after this fiasco, and that nothing is so funny as hearing a toddler whine "Logan wants more, Gay,"

Also, I know the Ghosts team wasn't formed until 2005, but I wantsd convenient shenanigans and babies at the same time. I think it came out gravy.

Much love to you, darlings. Please consider this a gift for Baby New Year? Even though January's nearly over.


	2. First

Bet you weren't expecting this. After the horrific trauma that is Accident Prone, I thought we could all do with some Feel-Good.

* * *

David is such a perfect little boy. He's got such beautiful green eyes, and such soft brown hair, and everything about him is (in Elias' professional opinion) totally perfect. Honestly, he can't stop talking about his son. His _son_. His precious, wonderful, adorable baby boy. David is already babbling up a storm, and the sound is music to his ears as he cuddles the baby one wintery evening. It's just a few days to Christmas- David's first!- and Elias can hardly wait to spoil him. His own mother would be coming in some time tomorrow, and she'd probably bring a host of presents. His sweet little one is so cute in his red and green onesie, and his high pitched coos just make Elias' heart swell. He'd never though he could love anything more then his wife, but she was in agreement. David was just, just perfect.

The soft coos and gurgles halt for a bit, and he looks away from the sparkling twinkle-lights on the Christmas tree. Their eyes meet, green on green, and Elias hums thoughtfully. "Is that so?" he asks, knowing that David was far too young to really respond, at ten months old. Although... The book he'd read said that he should be saying his first words at any time now. His son squeals joyfully at the sound of his voice, slumping to the side and pressing his round face into Elias' chest. "Yeah!" Elias agrees happily "It's Dada!" That nets him another coo, and several spit bubbles popping into his shirt. God, even David's _spit_ is cute. There's nothing his child could ever do to drive him away. He can't resist stroking the soft hair, before bending down and giving his son a gentle kiss on the head.

A chubby hand slaps into his cheek with gusto, likely trying to pat him as his mother so often does. He's just _so lucky_ , lucky to have his mother, lucky to have his wife, lucky to be able to hold his baby son on his lap. Even if it's just for now, everything is right in the world. His beautiful, wonderful wife is in the bathroom, having a soak, and his adorable boy is gleefully rubbing his hands along his stubble and babbling. "Yeah, Deedee, Dada has a beard. Yes, that's right, it _is_ scratchy. You're so smart." Of course, he has no idea what the boy is even trying to say, but apparently it's good for developmental growth to talk to your baby like you can understand them. That's an easy pill to swallow, because it feels good to interact with David that way.

"Beebeebeebeebee," David repeats, green eyes sparkling up at him. God, he really _is_ smart, and just so perfect. "Dada loves you more then the Sun, the Moon, and all the stars," Elias sighs, wrapping his arms around the little form and pulling him even closer. There's a long, comfortable pause as they both sit in silence, bathed in the soft glow the Christmas tree produces. "Dada wubby," his baby boy sighs, one tiny fist clutching his shirt. And suddenly Elias feels like he could scream, like he could sing, like he could fly. "... _What_?" He gasps, heart thrumming in his chest. "Dada," David murmurs sleepily, nuzzling into his chest "Dadadadada." Oh. Oh. Elias yells for his darling wife, David jolting awake and crying at the loud noise, but when he hears the loud rush of water surging upward Elias can't help but smile.

"You won't believe what David did!" Elias gasps as his wife draws near, clinging to the grizzling baby in his arms. Apparently, she can believe it because she squeals excitedly and grabs the baby book off of the coffee table and jots something down with shaking hands. "Oh, Elias!" She sighs, giving the pair a watery smile. With both parents buzzing around him excitedly, David's tears are quickly dried as he gets caught up in their contagious laughter and squeals. "Oh, Mama's smart little boy!" Elias' wife gasps, pulling their son from his lap and cuddling him close. A pudgy hand is flung towards him, and Elias rises, gathering them both into his arms. And for a moment in time, everything is perfect. "Mamamamama,"

And off they went again.

.oO0Oo.

Logan doesn't speak for the longest time. Not a word. He babbled, yes, but for the most part he was silent. He is every bit as perfect as David, who is an adventurous little boy of four (and a half, Daddy!), with his sweet blond curls and tiny button nose. But at eleven months old, he hasn't even attempted to use a real word, choosing instead to babble at his big brother in his strange baby language until he got what he wanted. Elias isn't quite sure whether or not he should be concerned about the lack of speech, but the boy seems to communicate well enough without it, so he leans towards not. David has happily grabbed his brother under the arms and, straining to lift him, toddled up to him. "Daddy," the little boy says slowly "Logan wants ice cream." Logan's pacifier bobbles in his mouth as he sucks on it, big brown eyes glittering up at him.

"Does he now?" Elias asks, amusement crawling into his voice. More likely David wants ice cream and has no qualms using his brother's cute face to get it. Not that he planned on denying him anyway- but he really did want to see how far the lad was willing to take it. "Yeah," David says earnestly "He, he sayed so!" Really. Logan, who can't even talk yet, said so. "Uh _huh_ ," he hums doubt coloring his voice "well, Logan? Do you want ice cream?" Lo and behold, his son's cute little face falls in disappointment. Logan just blinks up at him, as expected, but he smiles behind his pacifier. Elias sighs dramatically, as though thoroughly put-upon, before saying "I _guess_ we can go get some ice cream." David leaps up with a cheer.

At the sound of his brother's happy cry, Logan squeals, bubbling gleefully. "Deedee Deedee deee!" he shrieks, papping his brother on the arms. David beams at him like he's hung the stars in the sky. "That's _my_ name!" his son crows, and it is, and Elias is a bit disappointed. "Well now we need lots of ice cream, right Deedee? You think Logan wants chocolate or mint chocolate chip?" David's of the opinion that he wants mint chocolate chip, but that David himself wants the peanut butter kind. "Okay, go get your shoes on so we can go!" David races off to get his velcro sandals while Elias is stuck changing a diaper. Logan squirms grouchily, gurgling as he goes. "Oh, Leelou, don't be like that," Elias sighs, before giving up and blowing a raspberry first on his cheek and then on his belly.

The baby's grumpy glare fades instantly as he squeaks in surprise, instinctively gripping his Daddy's hair in fear. After carefully freeing himself, Elias finds some pants for his son and some shoes for himself as David collides with the back of his legs excitedly. Once everyone is ready to go he snags his wallet and buckles them both into their car seats. "Are you ready?" he asks rhetorically, pulling out of the drive. Logan babbles nonsensically and David nods emphatically. The drive isn't too long, and the icy treats are well worth the hassle of cleaning up after too little boys. Logan scarfs his down like it's trying to run away, and begins to cry when David refuses to share his. "Uhhhhh!" He sobs trying this time to reach his father's.

"No, Logan, that's my ice cream," Elias gently asserts, pushing the sticky fists away. Logan's lip pushes out and wobbles as he sucks in a deep breath. David groans unhappily, scooting closer to the wall in order to distance himself from his brother's impending cries. "Dada, Moh!" Logan gasps instead, tears hiding just behind the words. And just like with David, Elias heart stops and then surges, until he feels like everything is perfect and right in the world. "Oh," he whispers, as David beams at his brother. "Oh, Logan"

They all get seconds, as far as ice cream is concerned.

* * *

I felt bad after brutally crushing myself and others with Accident prone, and so I wrote this for you as a sort of apology.

As ever, Review!


	3. Potty Mouth

Not gonna lie, _warning_ for **_explicit, extremely creative swearing below_**.

* * *

"Watch your mouth around my kids this time, please, Gabe," Elias asks tiredly "I don't want them repeating any of the things you say." His friend just rolls his eyes at him, scoffing lightly. "Fuck you, Elias," he says mildly "The older one wouldn't dare, and the larva can't talk yet." Elias knows Gabe loves his kids, but sometimes the things he says... "Do you even know their names?" he asks as he grabs four bags of groceries from the trunk, handing the bag of bread to David and a single can of peas to Logan so he can feel important too. His friend pinks, and Elias wants to say he can't believe it, but really he'd expected nothing less. It's just not in his nature- Gabe _loves_ kids, absolutely _adores_ them, but he's _terrible_ at interacting with them. He worries too much.

So Gabe likes cuddling his children, but other then that he's the most awkward thing. The problem is that he mostly doesn't talk to anyone but Elias, so David trying to interact with him kind of startles him, and he worries about every least little thing. "Fuck you, Elias," his friend grumbles, taking five bags just to prove he can. Logan waddles along beside him, a year old and still not talking yet. "Uh!" Logan squalls, one hand clutching his can of peas to his chest and the other grasping for a bag. "No, Logan, it's too heavy for little boys," Elias insists, and Logan's face darkens. "Uh!" the little boy repeats, and by now Gabe has stopped and turned around to look at them "Uh!"

"Logan, Daddy said no," Elias chides gently "The bags are too heavy, and I don't want you to hurt yourself." Logan's face screws up and reddens, and Elias can feel the tantrum coming and his headache mounting. When the boy sucks in a breath, he's sure it's all over. "Fuck you, Dada!" Logan proclaims loudly, glaring up at him. Elias can feel his jaw drop. He had been expecting a lot of things, but 'Fuck you, Dada,' was not on the list. Silence reigns. Gabe begins laughing so hard his face nearly purples, and tears stream down his face. Elias wants to scream, because his son's first words were 'Fuck you,' and he's so disappointed. Logan is now screaming hysterically, tantrum in full swing because he hasn't been allowed to carry a plastic sack of Flintstones vitamins and dish soap.

Unfortunately, 'Fuck you, Dada,' are the only words he knows, so he just... keeps saying them. "Red jammies or blue, Leelou?" "Fuck you, Dada," "Red it is, then."

.oO0Oo.

Elias gets called to Logan's school by the principal one delightful November day. "Now Mr. Walker, Logan is usually an exemplary student, but today we had a bit of an incident," the kindly woman says gravely. She's an elementary school principal, and she's seen it all after 15 years of work. Elias sees amusement behind the steely façade, but Logan doesn't if the tears are anything to go by. "He and another boy got a bit upset with each other, and Logan said some rather colorful things," she adds, giving Logan a disapproving stare. "Now Thomas gave as good as he got, so his mother has already been by to see me, but I need to have a private chat with you." Logan gulps visible, red eyed but visibly pale. He shuffles out of the room like he's marching to his death, shutting the heavy door behind him.

Once the naughty boy is gone, both of the adults lean back in their chairs. "So what's this about, Darcy?" Elias asks pleasantly, sipping at a cup of coffee he'd brought with him. "Well, Mr. Danvers said some hurtful things about how 'you don't love your children, and that's why you're never around,' and Logan got rather upset," the black haired woman admits. "So Logan called him, oh what was it? Ah. A 'delayed, devil-eyed son of Jezebel', a 'streetwalker', and a 'fruitloop'," Darcy deadpans. Elias chokes on his coffee. "What?" he gasps loudly, feigning anger, barely stifling his laughter. Darcy grins at him, but she sobers immediately. "Elias, I know you're careful about your language around the boys," she says carefully "So where did a five year old learn all of that from?"

"Probably Gabe, to be honest," Elias admits easily. Darcy snorts quietly, nodding. She's met his friend before, she knows how he is. "Well, it's Gabe, so we can't get him to stop talking like that in front of your boys, but give him a talking to for me, okay? If it happens again I have to formally reprimand him." He can do that, at least. He says his goodbyes to his old high school flame and stand up, snagging the half-empty coffee as he goes. Logan has nearly worked himself up to the point of illness by the time he walks out the door. "To the car, Logan, let's go," Elias says simply, watching his son go green in the face. They walk to the car in silence, Logan quietly buckling himself into his booster seat in the back.

Logan twiddles his thumbs nervously, staring determinedly at his shoes. "Logan..." He says quietly as he starts the car, trailing off into silence. His little boy looks at him from under his eyelashes, big brown eyes so obviously nervous. "Logan, you know I love you, right?" Logan just gasps and bursts into tears, and Elias feels his heart break. "Oh, baby, of course I do," he says, watching Logan cry in the rearview mirror "More then the sun, the moon, and all the stars." Elias pulls out of the parking lot . "Pomise?" Logan whispers tearfully, stuffing one thumb into his mouth. "Yeah, baby, I promise. Always and forever." That said, he does still have to tell his son off for his... _potent_ language.

"I heard you said some pretty yucky things," He says easily, tone light, and Logan giggles. Perfect. "Yeah," his boy admits, sounding contrite in the way that says he's only sorry because Elias is upset "Thomas is a meanie, 'n I hate him." Well, fair enough. Kids can be pretty cruel. "Alright, but save the awesome language for later, alright? There'll be plenty of time for that later." The blond boy in the back seat nods fervently, sniffling pathetically. There. He's spoken to his son about keeping his language PG. Now, what to do next? How to reward his son for standing up for himself? "Let's go get your brother, and we'll eat out tonight." Logan smiles gently, scrubbing the last few tears off of his face with his free hand.

.oO0Oo.

Now that his kids are teenagers, he tends to pretend he doesn't hear them swearing. They're usually smart enough not to do it when they know he's around, but sometimes they slip up. Mostly it's some pretty tame things, a couple of f bombs, a few 'shit's, the normal repertoire. But Logan learned swearing at a young age, spoon fed to him by the hands of a true master of curses. He's a very creative young man, too, he's come up with some impressive material all on his own. And while Logan is a lot more careful about checking his tongue then David, when he slips up it's about enough to scorch your ears. He keeps a list of the really elaborate, special ones- the things he'd share with Gabe if he were still around.

'You streetwalking, devil-eyed, fruitloop son of Jezebel,' has a place of honor at the top- fragments stolen from Gabe and mashed together by an angry five year old. Other hits, such as 'cum-guzzling gerbil fucker,' 'cock gobbling fucktrumpet,' and 'you absolute dickwheel'. The last one was Elias' personal favorite, just because it was so confusing. Logan didn't actually swear all that much, but _oh man_ when he _did_? Good luck, you poor 'douche canoe'. See, Logan was quiet and unassuming, and _small_. He was an easy target. Well, not really, but he did look like one. And that attracted attention from the sort of people who were looking for easy targets. The first time it'd happened, a bully had tried to 'convince' his son to fork over his geometry homework.

Logan had taken him apart the second he tried to punch him by slapping him in the ear and then kneeing him in the groin when he was disoriented by pain and confusion. "Try it again, you fucktard son of a motherless goat-fucker!" Logan had shouted, resulting in a call from the school councellor, a suspension for both boys, and a serious reputation for being a badass. Actually, come to think of it, that one was on the list, too. There weren't many swears that didn't make the cut, and frankly the notebook he wrote them in was running out of room. Elias was sure that he was going to have to digitize it- for educational purposes, of course. And since he was enjoying a week off, he had the time to do it.

With the boys absorbed in a videogame downstairs, Elias flopped into his computer chair. Just as he was opening his Google Docs, he heard Logan shout " _Oh_ , you complete _ass pirate_!"

.oO0Oo.

"You cock gobbling, gaping assholed, cum sucking son of a french whore!" Elias hears his son shout at Rorke, and in a way he's glad that _that_ will be the last thing he ever hears. In that instant, he sees a hint of Gabe in Rorke- just a glimmer behind the eyes that betrays just how impressed he is by that. "I'm proud of you, son." Elias manages, and in the instant before the end, he decides that he's going to haunt the shit out of Rorke. And he's going to take a leaf out of Logan's book. Or, rather, test out the extensive List of colorful swears he's collected over the years. Get fucking ready, you asswrench.

... yeah, he's gonna have to work on that. Oh well. Not like he doesn't have the rest of Rorke's life to do it.

* * *

Y'know, I didn't actually want that Angst Lite there at the end, but I was desperate to get in those last two swears and this was how I wanted it to go.

Review, please!


End file.
